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Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The Joys of Pregnancy

This is an old diary entry of mine but thought it would be great for the new blog. Enjoy!

It's been almost 6 weeks since I had the twins and I must say, I'm much more calm and easy to deal with. I was on an 8 month mood swing from hell. While I was pregnant I got the pleasure of all the "pregnant" comments from everyone around me. Here are some of the most irritating/annoying comments I heard while I was pregnant and right after I had the babies. Also, when you read these, be sure not to say any of these anymore to anyone pregnant or a new mother.

"Wow, you're gonna have your hands full now!"
Yeah, I am. God gave me two babies and two hands.

"Did you take fertility drugs?"
Nope. Lots of sex.

"You don't look that big to be having twins."
Well, I'm only 4 months along and wasn't that fat to begin with. Thanks for the compliment but I feel like an elephant. Please sympathize with me for crying out loud.

"You're having a boy and a girl. I guess you're done now!"
Maybe I'm not. Maybe I want to have 10 more kids. Maybe I'll have 5 more sets of boy and girl twins. Maybe it's none of your freakin business.

"Are they identical?"
Well, let's see here. One has brown hair, the other has red hair. One has a penis and the other one doesn't.

"They're so small."
They were five weeks early!!!

"Do you know what you're having?"
What do you honestly care? Don't ask me unless you're planning on buying some clothes for them. (Btw, Thank you again Casey for the awesome clothes that you sent to me.)

"You'd better get your sleep now 'cause you won't be sleeping when they get here."
Please tell me how one sleeps with two watermelons hanging off their gut.

"Are you ever gonna have those babies?"
No, I enjoy having a 120 degree body temperature and rapid multiplying stretch marks. I'm gonna stay pregnant forever!

"Wow, you can really tell in your face that you're pregnant."
I guess you didn't see my stomach. It kind of gives it away too.

Do you have a name picked out yet?
Yes, Thing 1 and Thing 2. I was also thinking of Frick and Frack

Who's gonna keep her?
Some Gypsy I met online. Or either that old woman from Hansel and Gretal.

When are you due? or How far along are you?
I'm due at the end of September but my doctor said I'd have them in August. In other words - whenever the hell I go into labor.
I'm 12 months pregnant.

Are you ready for the baby?
Do I honestly have a choice.

Where are you going to have them?
Hopefully not at home.

Is this your first?
Sure, are you going to throw me a baby shower....

You know what causes that, don't you?
I thought it was miraculous conception.

Get all the sleep you can now!
Again, it's hard to sleep with my husband, a dog, a cat and 2 watermelons.

Are you sure you're gonna make it ____ more weeks?
Come to think of it, I'm feeling a contraction right now. Hey! Wait! Where are you going? Aren't you going to help me deliver the babies!!!

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